Lips, Nails, and Platypus Tails
by Galaxina-the-Seedrian
Summary: It's one thing when you're a secret agent platypus whose nemesis not only turned him into a human, but a human woman; it's another thing when your family somehow gets involved. Now Perry, with the help of Doofenshmirtz, must find a way to save her family and become a platypus again before her feelings get the best of her. Rated because I'm paranoid
1. Hey, Where's Perry?

**This is going to be my first Perryshmirtz and possibly my last. Now I know what you're thinking; "GTS, you don't like yaoi or yuri!" That's why I came up with this:**

**BEHOLD, THE GENDER-BENDERINATOR!**

***Lightning, flash, boom***

**Dr. Doofenshmirtz: How'd she do that?**

**Perry: *chatter***

**Phineas: He's right. It's best not to question.**

**With this glorious device, I will be able to transform one of you two [Doof and Perry] into a girl, and thus making this story hetero!**

**Perry:...*chatter***

**Doofenshmirtz: Right behind you.**

***Perry and Doofenshmirtz begin calmly walking away, but are then grabbed by mechanical claws***

**Doofenshmirtz: Wait a minute, isn't this a trap **_**I**_** would do? And are you stealing my lines and catchphrases?**

**Yes. Yes I am. In fact, as a theme, I am going to use catchphrases, names, and song titles from Phineas and Ferb as the name for each chapter; or at least I'm going to try. So don't expect it to make sense with the title of the chapter. Also, Phineas and Ferb don't even try to help those two, or the fans with seek out revenge upon Phineas.**

**Phineas: Why me?**

**Because, Ferb has more fans than you...I think. But don't worry, I perfer you over Ferb.**

**Phineas: Don't you guys believe the whole "love hurts" thing?**

**Most likely.**

**Phineas: So I'm in danger anyway?**

**Eeyupp.**

**Phineas:...Crud.**

**Doofenshmirtz: Wait, doesn't that mean that Ferb's in danger too?**

**Perry: *chatter***

**Okay, you both have valid points. But I highly doubt Ferb-fans would stoop to **_**that**_** level (oh, yes they would. :3).**

**Anyways, hope you enjoy it. :D**

**P/D/P/D**

**Chapter 1: Hey, Where's Perry**

The day started off as usual. Perry had already snuck off early to get his mission over with. Things hadn't been going well with the Flynn-Fletchers lately. He did his best to shake it off. A mission was a mission. The faster done it would be, though, the better.

"Good morning Agent P," the platypus was greeted as he entered the room, "Dr. Doofenshmirtz is at it again."

_No, duh, Sherlock._

"He's created some sort of machine. Our resources tell us that it was made to turn people into animals. We want you go in there, stop Doofenshmirtz, and destroy the machine. Good luck."

After the screen shut off, Perry left on his Platypus-themed plane, headed for Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. He still found it oddly ironic that he nemesis just so happened to live in the same city as him. Now and then he would worry about his cover being blown, but then again, this was Heinz Doofenshmirtz he was talking about. That man couldn't find his way out of a paper bag...no, seriously. He tried once. If you must know, it involved a Shrinkinator.

As he reached the building that, now that he thought about it, although vaguely, really did look like Ferb's head, leaped off the plane (it was on auto-pilot) and crashed through the window, landing in an epic pose. Doofenshmirtz didn't look impressed. He looked annoyed. "Perry the Platypus, that's the twelfth time this week you've broken my windows. It's not even the end of the weak, it's like, what, Tuesday? How's that even possible? I only have, like, eight windows...unless you count the giant window roof, but that makes nine!"

Perry rolled his eyes. _Yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with already._

"But I digress," Doofenshmirtz said as he took out a remote from his pocket.

With a press of a button, three robotic hands, one with a platypus-sized box, one with duct-tape, and the other ready to grab Perry came out. The third hand quickly grabbed Perry, and threw him in the cardboard box back-side up. The second hand taped the entire box shut except for a square hole on the side that was big enough for the playpus to squeeze his head through along with his hat. The third hand picked up the box, carrying it wherever Doofenshmirtz went.

"So, Perry the Platypus, you are probably wondering what I plan on doing with this baby over here," Doofenshmirtz dramatically motioned to a giant, complex, canon-like machine with a computer plugged into it, "BEHOLD, THE ANIMALTRANFORMINATOR!"

Perry blinked. Now it was his turn to be completely unimpressed. The "doctor" was obviously oblivious to his nemesis's reaction, and rambled on, "You see, Perry the Platypus, animals are completely mindless beings," he turned to Perry apologetically, saying, "No offense."

_None taken, _Perry sighed, _In most cases, it's sadly true._

The evil scientist went on, "Well, with this, I'll be able to turn other people into animals! Not lions, or tigers, or bears, but animals who couldn't possibly do me any harm like rabbits or something along the lines. That way, no one will stand in my way. Now, I suppose you may be wondering: where does that leave you? Simple..."

Doofenshmirtz walked over to his creation and pressed a couple of buttons. To the platypus's surprise, the laser was now pointed at him. Doofenshmirtz let out an dark chuckle that . "This inator doubles as a "Unsentient-Inator".

"I can't risk anyone retaining their human qualities. So, just to be on the safe side, I made a few adjustments that would erase their ability to think or feel anything. They'll be completely and utterly mindless, just like how _you're_ going to be right now."

Perry's eyes widened as the inator began charging. However, his state of shock was only for a moment. The platypus squeezed his right arm out of the box, but was unable to free the rest of his body. But Perry also had a better plan. He reached for his hat, and threw it at the inator...it did nothing but bounce off.

"HA," Doofenshmirtz laughed at Perry's feeble attempt, "Feeling a bit desperate Perry the Platy-?"

Before he could finish, the agent's hat flew over to the cardboard box, cut through the tape, and created an opening. As the hat continued to ricochet in the room, Perry leaped out of the box, which he grabbed, and used as a shield from the inator's blast just as it fired. Perry then discarded the now charred cardboard box, and caught his hat as it was about to pass him, placing it back on his head with a smirk on his face. Doofenshmirtz stared, his mouth gaped in shock. "What the heck are those hats made of," Doofenshmirtz asked more to himself than to Perry, "I don't care if cardboard and duct tape are supposed to be weak and flimsy, that hat sliced through them like a knife!"

Without any warning, Perry tackled into Doofenshmirtz, knocking him off of the inator, causing a cliche battle to assume, which involved the usual running gags. This was how it always had been. This was how it was supposed to be between them.

Perry kicked Doofenshmirtz, causing the man to crash into the inator, or more so it's control panel. As Doofenshmirtz stumbled back to his feet, the AnimalTransforminator shot another beam before it fell onto it's side, sparks cackled indicating that it was broken. The beam, having only the ability to transform sentient beings and apparatly burn non-living objects, bounced off of the walls and ground like a child on sugar-high, everything in its path falling to the ground breaking. The fight ceased as both Perry and Doofenshmirtz attempted to take cover.

_You idiot, _Perry wanted to scream in the other's face for his idiocy, not noticing the beam bouncing off the wall toward him. By the time Perry did notice, it was already two inches from him, and it hit him instantly. Doofenshmirtz only noticed when Perry crashed to the wall, due to the sudden blow. The man's face stared in shock, completely surprised that a small accident on his part actually caused Perry pain for once.

Perry's body was covered in light as his arms and legs began to grow longer. His fur began to disappear, except for that on his head which seemed to be growing in a considerable linear extent. The radiant energy emanating from the former platypus's body slowly faded as his transformation was complete. Perry's vision was blurry at first, but soon became clear.

Doofenshmirtz stared at Perry, blushing madly. "P-Perry th-the Platypus, y-you're..."

Perry looked down and examined himself, and instantly became horrified. His once webbed feet turned into human feet, toes and all, and his hands became smooth. In fact, all of his his skin felt smooth; he wasn't wearing anything other than the hat on his head. But that wasn't even what he was so shocked about. Perry looked over at Doofenshmirtz, his eyes like billiard balls as he said in a pretty high pitch voice (at least for a guy, if we can even call "him" that anymore), "What did you do to me?"

**A/N:**

**Yep. The old Perry's a human cliche. Don't worry, I've got a few twists in mind...or at least one, that is. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. :3**


	2. I Know What We're Gonna Do Today

**Nope. I refuse to put this story on hold for a long amount of time. It's just too good of an idea.**

**Whole cast: (crud...)**

**I heard that!**

**Perry: She can read our thoughts?**

**Phineas: I dunno, apparrently**

**So, hope you all enjoy. :3**

**WARNING: Perry is naked...and a human girl.**

**P/D/P/D**

**Chapter 2: I Know What We're Gonna Do Today**

Doofenshmirtz's brain moved sluggishly, but was able to pull himself together in a matter of seconds after Perry let out his first words. A list of things went through his head mentally:

He had somehow transformed his nemesis into a human.

He had transformed him into a girl.

And now his nemesis was sitting against the wall...as a _human_ woman...naked...

He supposed that he had gone through more awkward situations; if only he could think of one.

Perry on the other hand was in a small wave of emotions: panic, worry, calmness...and then out of nowhere, pure rage. The secret agent leaped at the evil scientist, grabbing him by the collar. He-er, she- repeated her question, in a booming voice. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I-I," Doofenshmirtz stuttered, blushing madly.

He only had this nightmare three times at most. Only thing was that it involved Perry the Platypus having turned into a human female, around his age, maybe a little younger, with straight teal hair that was above her shoulders. And for the fact that he sadly wasn't sleeping, and the pain that the former platypus in front of him was causing him was quite real. Worse still, since this was real, this meant Perry's anger was also real...which meant he was pretty much screwed.

"WELL," Perry roared.

"I don't know," Doofenshmirtz admitted, "I thought the modifications would have made you mindless, I never thought it would have turned you human...actually, now that I think about it..."

Now that he thought about it, it seemed to make a whole lot of sense. He probably should have seen this coming, since the machine was created to turn humans into animals, likewise, probably did what it was programmed to do when shooting an animal. The sex change, however, was the confusing part. The inator should have made Perry the Platypus become unconscious mentally. What the heck did that have to do with gender?

Maybe there were a few bugs in the machine. Maybe it malfunctioned when he crashed into it. Maybe it was just a minor error, and the adjustment he made would have caused people to swap genders instead of making them mindless. Maybe-.

Perry grabbed her nemesis by the throat and violently shook him while he tried begging for air. Her eyes were like staring in the Lake of Fire, and her hands felt hard, almost like iron. Perry hissed like a snake-a **venomous** snake, ready to bite its victim, swiftly and painfully. "_Fix me,_" if Doofenshmirtz didn't know better, he would thought that Perry's new girly voice became inhumanely dark and eerie, "_**NOW**__!_"

Doofenshmirtz didn't answer. He _couldn't_ answer. He was too busy struggling to respirate. Perry acted as if she didn't notice, but Doofenshmirtz knew that she was well aware of this.

As Doofenshmirtz's face began to turn blue, he grabbed Perry's wrists and tore them off his neck. He squeezed her wrists before sitting up, Perry snarling instead of crying out in pain. He glared at Perry-the best without cowaring, that is-and said, "If you want me to help, I suggest letting me live is your only options!"

Perry blinked. "For now," she said, coldly.

Doofenshmirtz sighed, realeasing the other's carpus. He wouldn't have understood why Perry was reacting so brashly had he not had a teenage daughter. Oh, the wonders of a woman's hormones. Every man's worst fear...that, or going to a dance with a girl he's only gotten to know for, like, three days...I think.

"Okay," Doofenshmirtz said, "We have quite a few...interesting problems here."

"Worse than being a human female," Perry muttered.

"That may be one of the problems," Doofenshmirtz said, "But without the inator that you destroyed, we're not gonna be able to change you back."

Perry's eyes widened in horror, and for a moment had a look of fear. "Another problem," Doofenshmirtz continued, "Even if the machine was in working condition, I didn't put a reverse switch on it. In order for me to fix this, I'll have to start from scratch. And, if you want to be a platypus again, I better not catch you trying to kill me behind my back!"

Perry crossed her arms. Yeah, she could work with that.

"One more thing," Doofenshmirtz coughed, reddening, "You're, uh, gonna need to put on some clothes...this is getting really awkward, and if someone walks in here while you're like that, on top of me-by the way, get the HECK off me!-they're gonna get the wrong idea."

Perry looked down at herself, then at Doofenshmirtz, becoming rosy as she realized what she was doing. "Uh, he-he-he...right."

**A/N:**

***drinking punch* Just had an awesome party this weekend, trying to relax with some Hawaiian punch (that tastes really mundane, now that I think about it). Anyway, this chapter was probably awkward for most of you...or outrageously hilarious! XD I've never written a chapter like this before. Usually these kinds of things make me awkward, but I feel a lot better now.**

**So, I hope you all enjoyed, and I better see the review numbers go UP...I, watched the movie UP recently... :3**


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